I try!

I try to be a good friend.
I try damn hard to be a good mother.
I try to make good clear decisions.
I try extra hard to be a good partner and lover (YES, there is a distinct difference!)
I try to be successful at the things I attempt.
I try to be a good daughter, granddaughter, sister, neice, cousin (maybe not as hard).
I try to be understanding on many levels.
I try to meet productivity at work.
I try to think positive.
I try to be on time.
I try to think positive.
I try to take my meds.
I try to stay within my budget.
I try to keep the house clean.
I try to eat healthy.
I try to be happy and keep my child happy.
I try to be better to my friends than I am to myself.

Why do I feel like I dont succeed at the most important things?

I dont think "other minded" people quite understand

As I went through my day, I came across a few thoughts that made me feel like some people just dont understand my life, my ways, my attitude, my approach, etc. Why is it I get excited about one thing, and another happens- the opposite? Before it upsets me, I get into my "whatever" mode. I am learning that people who cant relate dont understand my life as a lesbian, single parent, mental health case manager, person with little socialization, and on and on. Neither do they understand my need for a plan, update, map, schedule, understanding of whats going on when. I am a single parent. I cant just drop everything and do as someone else would want. I have to do what I want and what I feel is right and accomodating for me and my child (Babysitters dont sit on the curb and wait for me to take a number for them to be at the casa in 5 minutes!). I cant just spend $20+ on a meal without a warning and a damn good reason to 'celebrate' (which this week, there wasnt a damn reason at all! Just someone being selfish and inconsiderate). I do have somewhat of a life, and right now, it is consumed by work and my little one. Eventually, it may be consumed by a part time job as I prepare to pay for daycare come January 2008. My time is precious. My life is precious. My child is my life and my time, which makes her precious too! Those who cant get with that do NOT need to be in my life and waste my time. I prefer people with a purpose, not people with an unwilling attitude.

I feel that acquaintances have been rude, disrespectful, uninterested, etc in their own way.

Simple minded people piss me off!

Great Expectations

Things have been kinda interesting lately. A mix of feelings and emotions- positive and negative. Its hard to put it all into words.

I am thinking about a career change. Not sure what as I have to make x amount of money to stay on top of my finances, and then the soon coming cost of daycare as well. I have always wanted to be a teacher. At times, I consider EMT. I just am not sure. I could keep doing what I do for another year or so and be ok with that too. I did interview today for a part time job at Starbucks- and had me a carmel frappacino as I interviewed. Lovely. They also have same-sex spousal benefits and many other great benefits for part timers-- which is only an average of 20 hours/week per quarter. I mentioned the health insurance equivalent to my Lady and feel like I got somewhat of resistance from her about it... which is ironic as she is currently not insured and has issues to where she needs health insurance. I was asked multiple questions, and finally just let it rest. I have health insurance. I dont need it from my part time. I was mentioning it to her as a favor. I guess I anticipated it being taken better than the response I received.

Adoption stuff is still going on. Should be done by early September before going to the courts. However, I have a friend that has a child that she has been fostering since December and there is no attachment there what so ever. The child will be up for adoption eventually and I let my friend know that I would be somewhat interested in getting to know the 4 year old better in the event that I would be eligible to adopt her. If anything, foster her in an environment where she may have some bond forming. Its hard to really explain whats going on in that arena. I am doing respite for her in early September. I have met the child before and never had any negative interaction with her.

Had a gathering Saturday evening with the ladies I socialize with most often. We had a really good time. So good, I woke up with a slight hangover this morning! My little sister, T, is a trip! And everyone thought she was so innocent. Ha! She's a sweetie. My oldest friend! I wouldnt trade her for anything!

Another work week starts soon. Joy! Seriously, my work isnt that bad. I just feel that a burn out it coming sooner than later. I can survive though. Will definitely do the best I can!

No Hawaiian Bliss in 2007

The fabulous trip got pushed to April 2008. Now I have nothing major (like once in a lifetime) to look forward to in 2007. I am still taking that week off and I think me and the Lady are going away together... alone if I can make arrangements for my munchkin. Although, we could just take her with us like we did last time, as there is really no one I know that can watch her the full week and get her to daycare everyday anyway. She's like our little breath of sunshine on a frustrating day!

Now what? Time will tell.

Adoptions Uncertainties

My daughter and I met with our agency to work on our adoption home study. At the same time, I consented and arranged for a visit with the birth family. I thought the meeting would be a breeze and I wouldnt be too greatly affected by it, if at all. I was wrong. I found myself feeling unsure of many things. Why did I have the visit? What effect did it have on my child? What will the mom do now with the 4 mth old sibling? What if I dont want to have visits any more and run into them at social events (clarification- one of my good friends is the neice of the lady that raised my childs birth mother)? Do I feel that I can say "no connection/no visit" and live with myself for that decision? Will my child grow up to resent me if I dont allow her to stay connected to her birth family now? How strong must that connection be? Am I a bad person, bad mother, if I say no for my own wellbeing? And why must her birth mother call her "Mommy" and my child her "baby" and it upset me so much. Perhaps cause MY child is 28 months old and I have had her,cared for her, nurtured her since she was SIX months old... perhaps because birth mother didnt show this much interest in the child when she was allowed to and given chance after chance after chance? I have much to sort out before the adoption is finalized. My therapist encouraged me to do the pros and cons from time to time... on paper... and pick it up from time to time and see if anything has changed. This should be a joyous time for me... why do I feel so stressed about it?

Adoption should be complete by the end of November.

Last Weekend

I havent blogged in a while and thought I would catch everyone up on a few things Last weekend, I went to see Harry Potter, Order of the Phoenix, with my best friend, K, at the IMAX theater. It was good, but the 3D portion wasnt the greatest that we had seen. I found that I had to hold my head a certain way to get a clear picture. Thank goodness it was only for 20 minutes! Before the movie, we went to this neat coffeehouse that also specialized in over 1 million flavors of ice cream. Basically, you have your base flavor and choice of many flavors, and the multiple combinations come to over 1 million. The machine they use is cool to watch! I had a chocolate base with strawberries, heath toffee, and pecans in a waffle cone! YUM (as my two year old would say!)! A good friend kept the baby, so I had much of the weekend to myself. I stayed home and organized clothes, cleaned baby's room, did 4 loads of laundry, and cleaned my kitchen. I got a burst of energy late in the day, but was very pleased with my success. I hadnt been feeling the greatest lately, but realize that if I set small goals and acheive them, I feel better. Each little bit helps! For sure!