Checking in

Briefly checking in. Not feeling too great emotionally. Found the courage to get my closest friends involved. Everyone trying to look after me while dealing with their own stress. I guess thats why I try not to bother people or ask for help... that along with fear of "no" or abandonment. I have a lot whirling through my brain right now that I cant put on paper. I saw my therapist this past Thursday and she wants to see me Wednesday coming. She wanted to see me Tuesday, but her calendar was full. I unloaded some to her last week. Not sure what will happen this week. Trying hard to stay out of the hospital... its scares me and I'm trying damn hard to get better and take care of myself without going into immediate crisis. I know my friends love me. They may not understand what I'm dealing with, but they send encouragement and have been around. Yep, I'm on safety watch until I see my therapist. It was either that or be committed. The days are ok. It's the nights when I stop doing what I need to do that make it worst. I'm turning over some of my meds to my fwb. I have contemplated it for a while. Since I realized I had more meds that I thought, it's best that I give them to someone else. My best friend wants me to feel "chicken shit" about one aspect of handling the situation. I don't know if I'm "chicken shit" or not. This time last Sunday... I wasn't. I was prepared and ready. However, in preparation, my ex came by and offered support. I don't feel much right now but negativity. But I can say that the ex has been there for me to some extent when I'm at my worst.

I have work to do. Didn't plan to blog much. I'm hanging in. One foot in front of the other. One step at a time. Minute by minute.