Yep... I'm here!

Not that many people read my blog...

There have been many times that I have felt to blog and just didn't. Not sure why. I guess time has played a part. I am certain that life, being a mother of three, working 40+ hours/week, and maintaining and healthy relationship doesnt help the time factor either.

The biggest thing going on right now is an upcoming surgery. I'm having a hysterectomy 12/10. Granted I have had three major surgeries- two of which were in the uterine/ovarian area- this surgery has me scared to death. I am more than ready for it mentally, but emotionally, I cant find anything online that is encouraging to me... and the only verbal encouragement I have heard is from older white women that have had it done... which I can not relate to at all. The information online is about older women response- those post child-bearing mainly- and those that are in heterosexual relationships (the effect it has on your sex life). In case you didnt know, NEITHER of those categories fit nor interest me. So, finding good, positive, thorough information for a young 30s (not mid-late 40s or older), african-american (not caucasian), lesbian (not heterosexual)has been somewhat impossible. I just wanted more information on what to possibly expect from my age perspective. My therapist has told me to expect to grieve- eventhough this is a surgery I have thought about for a while and would benefit from. You know what... I am so tired of grieving. If its not grief over one thing, its grief over another. My girlfriend has been a great support. And I finally connected with my best friend this weekend to fill her in on whats been going on and my fear. My grandmother has been awesome. Other than that... whatever!

So, my fwb has become my gf. Kind of unexpected. We talked and had already established we were more than friends with great benefits but not quite a couple, but pretty damn close! So, we are trying it and so far, it has been excellent. I think we relate more than any other person I have been with. Not to mention, she isn't complex and is VERY patient with me and isn't about "self" at all! She is always willing for me to get out and is determined to help me fight depression. I think what shocked me the most as with planning my surgery, she immediately said I was staying with her for a few weeks AT LEAST at her house. No one has ever been that direct and frank with me so fast in the midst of a possible crisis. It really is hard to explain it all. And I don't really have anyone that I feel I can talk to about it that would understand or could relate. Sigh.

Work is about the same... except for the company wide paycut that presented itself October 1. At least I have a job... which many in my field do not have that testimony right now.

Reconnection with best friend... My best friend and I lost touch during my last major depressive episode. We haven't really talked about what happenned and I havent been able to really address the situation. The bottom line is that our mental health sometimes gets the best of us and for once in our 14 year friendship, we both had 'trouble' at the same time. We handle our mental health issues and needs differently, but it has never interfered with our friendship the way it did most recently. Seriously, it was to the point of possible doom. Thankfully, although I didnt have the energy to really fight it (or anything else for that matter), I really didnt want to lose the friendship and was persistent in my efforts in letting her know what I was feeling out of fear of losing the last 14 years with her. That was scary. And sometimes it still feels that something isn't right, but what's to expect when so much has been going on with both of us individually. And if you have ever been depressed, you don't want to talk to anyone about anything. You do the least needed and sleep the rest of the way through. At least that is how it is for me. She and everyone else that knows us knows how important the friendship is and will continue to be. So, it was nice spending a few hours with her catching up. With time, things will heal and become greater than what they were. We both live for now and right now, we just take it day by day. I know she loves me. And I love her. And she loves my kid. And my kid definately loves her! You would think with all the damn love, we could stay afloat emotionally. Easier said than done! :)

My other friends have tried to keep in contact. We all just have so much going on. I had my other best friend/little sis over for dinner not too long ago, and my brother twice, and its been nice having some different laughter and humiliation present! Not to mention the seven bottles of wine we drank one Saturday night! That was fun! It was four of us- six at one point of the evening- and we just laughed, ate, and drank until we crashed. I was really relaxed and just enjoyed that night. I need more of those!

Well, I am very tired and going to go to bed. Sleep is hit or miss now a days... as is other past pleasures of my life! My gf tries to help me find the balance, but even if I get two good hours of sleep a night, I am doing good.

I will try to blog more as things develop. With surgery, I cant drive from 1-2 weeks, no stairs for 4 weeks, and no lifting for 6 weeks. So basically, the only sure thing I can do is sit in my recliner with my laptop and blog and surf the net for 4-6 weeks. Joy!