We continue to do what we do. She never ceases to amaze me! She's phenomenal- as I explained to my two best friends. Pure phenomenal. Where the hell was she back in 1999?? Oh, yeah... just finishing high school! She keeps me laughing. I didnt know it was possible to miss someone so much! I am very appreciative of the distance, but damn if it isnt a pain in the ass when you feel you just want to see her RIGHT NOW! Oh well, the distance makes the heart grow fonder and the feelings stronger. After all, I hate to see our cell phone bills next month!
I got one of her best friends approval last night. She strongly approves of me! Glad I passed that test. Now, I have to find a way to deal with the other best friend... I was told she was much nicer when she is drunk! Problem is, I get sleepy when I drink so I wont be much company then either! I'll figure something out! :)
Nothing major to report. We are enjoying every minute of it. My daughter loves it as well. She has a new "playmate" to entertain her while mommy naps! Yay Mommy!
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
I did it!
Around 10:30 this morning, I filed the petition to adopt one of my foster daughters. I was nervous all the way there. I have yet to understand where the nervousness comes from, considering how long I have had her. I guess its knowing that she is really mine now. I dont have to get consent and letters for her to cross state lines. I dont have to bug someone at DSS when she needs something. I dont have to entertain questions of visitation from her birth family. I have to deal with menstration, strange dates, moodiness (as we are the same sign and her stubborness has already begun!), and more hair and makeup! In any event, I did it! I think I have done a good job of raising all my children. I guess this one is special because she was my first baby girl. I still remember the day she came home.
So, in about 90 days, I should have her new birth certificate and officially call her MINE! I now can match her "Thats MY mommy" with "Thats my little girl!".
Saying it loud and proud... I am a permanent mother now!
So, in about 90 days, I should have her new birth certificate and officially call her MINE! I now can match her "Thats MY mommy" with "Thats my little girl!".
Saying it loud and proud... I am a permanent mother now!
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Adoption Update
I have my court date! :) On January 30th, I go to court to file my petition for adoption. After that, the 90 day wait begins. It is projected that the adoption will be official on April 30, 2008.
My friends and family are very excited. One godparent has been notified and accepted. Waiting to meet with the other potential godparents-- you know being lesbian makes some things a little more complicated!
Part of me is nervous! Yes, I have been parenting this little one for the last 2 1/2 years, but still, the though of permanency makes my stomach knot with anticipation and anxiety! The good kind though!
I just hope I dont flip out initially... go into shock... maybe I should prepare to have some friends stay overnight those first few nights just in case! LOL L and K, mark your calendars! You, too, green-eyed girl!
My friends and family are very excited. One godparent has been notified and accepted. Waiting to meet with the other potential godparents-- you know being lesbian makes some things a little more complicated!
Part of me is nervous! Yes, I have been parenting this little one for the last 2 1/2 years, but still, the though of permanency makes my stomach knot with anticipation and anxiety! The good kind though!
I just hope I dont flip out initially... go into shock... maybe I should prepare to have some friends stay overnight those first few nights just in case! LOL L and K, mark your calendars! You, too, green-eyed girl!
How will I know?
How will I know when I am ready for another relationship? I have this time frame in my head of "I will not allow myself to get in another relationship before..." whatever. I haven't shared that time frame with anyone. I am not bound to the time chosen, but I would like to surpass my own personal expectations. I can be patient like that. So, how will know when I am ready? Is it the circumstances between us? The mood? The "everything is perfect" persona? I do NOT want everything to be perfect. I want to see what ruffles her feathers. I want to see what makes her tick. I want to see her angry with me, or even to the extent of being pissed. I want to see what its like to have makeup sex with her. I want to see her in action when family is coming to town or when something majorly exciting for her is taking place. I want to see her anxiety raise and her pressure level out. I want to see her in many forms, responding to different stresses at different times. I want to see how she interacts with my daughter and if she can take the pressure of a screaming baby and a disobedient 3 year old simultaneously. I want to experience every side of her that is imaginable in such a span of time.
Can she handle it? Can she handle my irritability? My mood swings? My particular ways of doing and raising my daughter? My dominance? My submission, on occasion? Can she handle the piles of dishes in the sink after all our friends have left the house from a big meal prepared by me? Can she handle my friends? My best friend can be tough- always letting the new lady in my life know... "Don't make her mad. Don't piss her off." Hilarious! But she says it so seriously with a hint of humor. I will admit, in my defense, that when I do get mad/pissed, I will talk to you about it eventually, and then its over. Over. Done with. Complete. Finished. Squashed. Never erased from memory though. I think she can handle it. She has to get used to it. She has to try to understand my method of living with the chaos of the (foster) children and the stress that creates within itself. She has to be able to handle me when I am overwhelmed and possibly jump in to rescue me. She also has to be able to relax with me, and take it all in stride. As mental health professionals, we do not get enough time to relax with the nature of the job. At least now, we each have someone to talk to and process to hopefully help us relax more.
How will I know when I am ready. Can she handle it? I guess time will answer both. One thing I am sure of. Even if it was to happen today, it is definately not a rebound relationship. That makes me proud.
Can she handle it? Can she handle my irritability? My mood swings? My particular ways of doing and raising my daughter? My dominance? My submission, on occasion? Can she handle the piles of dishes in the sink after all our friends have left the house from a big meal prepared by me? Can she handle my friends? My best friend can be tough- always letting the new lady in my life know... "Don't make her mad. Don't piss her off." Hilarious! But she says it so seriously with a hint of humor. I will admit, in my defense, that when I do get mad/pissed, I will talk to you about it eventually, and then its over. Over. Done with. Complete. Finished. Squashed. Never erased from memory though. I think she can handle it. She has to get used to it. She has to try to understand my method of living with the chaos of the (foster) children and the stress that creates within itself. She has to be able to handle me when I am overwhelmed and possibly jump in to rescue me. She also has to be able to relax with me, and take it all in stride. As mental health professionals, we do not get enough time to relax with the nature of the job. At least now, we each have someone to talk to and process to hopefully help us relax more.
How will I know when I am ready. Can she handle it? I guess time will answer both. One thing I am sure of. Even if it was to happen today, it is definately not a rebound relationship. That makes me proud.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Hodge Podge
Life has been rather interesting later. I have had mostly good days. I am back on my diabetes meds and its been a week. I have taken all of my doses except one, which is pretty good for me. I am having different side effects, but still disgusting and upsetting ones. Add naseau to the list. And headaches. Body still refuses to absorb the metformin completely. Ugh! And I repeat- UGH! I hope for a day soon that perhaps I will have NO side effects.
I am still casually dating the green eyed girl. We spent most of the weekend together. We had a wonderful time getting to know each others, playing with the kids, and just relaxing. It was amazing how she fits right in and jumps in to help out wherever she can. I felt things this weekend that either I hadnt seen in a while or had never experienced in my life as a lesbian. I was very nervous and couldnt really answer some of her questions. I felt that things were too good to be true. I cant believe all the interest and life experiences/thoughts that we have in common. I *think* I can pick up the pieces and gather dreams of the future once again. In my last relationship, I let many of those dreams go. I have the option of dating multiple people. I just dont have the energy or the interest at this time.
I am doing good emotionally. I am back to therapy every other week. Thats good as I always dont have much to talk about worth my copay. I am opening up more to my therapist... but still holding on to some deep secrets.
Ex and I are no longer physical... and I am alright with that! No problem with that at all. It was time. After all, who can keep up with two women, three children, one dog, three cats, and a 40+ hour week profession? So what do I get rid of... the physical aspect with the other woman. The emotional attachment was gone long time ago. It was just sex. She has moved on to more interesting things (for her) anyway. Trust me- she isnt missing me! As for me, I take it day by day with the green eyed girl and look forward to the times we are able to see each other. April cant come soon enough! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
Oh, I am waiting on a court date to file the petition to adopt my little one. I will definately keep everyone up to date with that process!
Have a good one!
I am still casually dating the green eyed girl. We spent most of the weekend together. We had a wonderful time getting to know each others, playing with the kids, and just relaxing. It was amazing how she fits right in and jumps in to help out wherever she can. I felt things this weekend that either I hadnt seen in a while or had never experienced in my life as a lesbian. I was very nervous and couldnt really answer some of her questions. I felt that things were too good to be true. I cant believe all the interest and life experiences/thoughts that we have in common. I *think* I can pick up the pieces and gather dreams of the future once again. In my last relationship, I let many of those dreams go. I have the option of dating multiple people. I just dont have the energy or the interest at this time.
I am doing good emotionally. I am back to therapy every other week. Thats good as I always dont have much to talk about worth my copay. I am opening up more to my therapist... but still holding on to some deep secrets.
Ex and I are no longer physical... and I am alright with that! No problem with that at all. It was time. After all, who can keep up with two women, three children, one dog, three cats, and a 40+ hour week profession? So what do I get rid of... the physical aspect with the other woman. The emotional attachment was gone long time ago. It was just sex. She has moved on to more interesting things (for her) anyway. Trust me- she isnt missing me! As for me, I take it day by day with the green eyed girl and look forward to the times we are able to see each other. April cant come soon enough! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
Oh, I am waiting on a court date to file the petition to adopt my little one. I will definately keep everyone up to date with that process!
Have a good one!
Monday, January 14, 2008
Diabetes boost
Diabetes is still unmanaged, but not for long. I had all of my meds refilled... costing me close to $100. I know I need to take them. I said I would be stress free in 2008... so taking my meds will decrease my stress. The new hottie in my life has already begun asking me about my diabetes and treatment... and the pressure is on to take my medications. I have been very honest with her (and everyone else) and purchased a new pill organizer to help me feel better about taking my meds and to motivate me with the daily convenience of having one. So, tonight, I will be organizing my meds and taking them for the first time in months. The side effects drive me crazy, but you do whatcha gotta do, right? After all, I have a soon to be 3 year old to raise... and a nice cutie that is interested in me! Oh, and lots of friends and family that would like me to stick around as long as possible. I will get it together... eventually!
I am going to try really hard. Not for anyone else (maybe the toddler) but primarily for me.
I am going to try really hard. Not for anyone else (maybe the toddler) but primarily for me.
Make your toes curl...
"I want to wrap my fingers in your hair and make you orgasm until your body is so loose that you would let me just caress you for the rest of the night."
All I can say is... sign me up, damnit!
All I can say is... sign me up, damnit!
Sunday, January 13, 2008
New Developments of 2008
Well, its the first post of the year- for me at least! I have sat down to post numerous times, and just havent been able to do it. Whats holding me back? Not knowing where to start. Things happenning so fast. Three kids. Three cats, one of which can be a pain when you are trying to accomplish something at the computer. Work. Mainly, not knowing where to start and stuggling to keep up.
I had a very good holiday. I thought about that today. How I didnt get upset. Didnt cry. Was in a good mood. And apparently was dressed very well, according to my ex. Yes, the ex. She is still around. As am I. We are playing the roles of supportive parents and helping with the kids. What I dont understand is why things are much better after the break as oppose to the six months before. What at all forced the change in behaviors and attitudes? I have no idea. It stays on my mind alot. Were things not important enough to keep trying, seek constant professional help, and get our own individual shit together? Was the stability of the future so uncertain that turning the other way was the only option? Or were the higher powers looking out for me and for her? I dont think I will ever understand. The break has forced me to make some decisions about my own personal previous behaviors... some decisions that will probably stress her more, but shes an adult. Hopefully, she will figure it out and be ok. Interesting is the only word I can use to describe things right now. We are still physical from time to time, but that may cease in the near future. Why? Cause I met someone that has potential to be the next significant one in my life.
Who is this lady- and that she is! A lady! She has the sweetest sounding voice, sweet dispositon, wonderful sense of humor, absolutely loves and adores children (used to be a kindergarten teacher), pretty skin and the most beautiful green eyes I have ever seen! She notices things like my dimples, asks the most random questions, and then doesnt remember she has asked me and asks again. She has a naughty side to her that comes out every now and then... and then she politely apologizes. "For what?" I ask and chuckle. Then I grin... and grin... and grin. Yes, she excites me. Yes, she makes me nervous. Yes, she causes some anxiety, but the good kind! Yes, she has asked personal questions, but was reciprocal in responding to the same question of herself. Yes, she asked of my wants, needs, and desire. No, I wasnt able to tell them all to her. Yes, she was guilty of the same. No, she doesnt cook, but to my advantage, she likes to eat just like me! She likes the water and to travel as well- just like me. As equally important--- she has a job just like mine! We both work in mental health! So, where is all this going? I have no freakin' clue or idea. I am ok with not knowing. Waiting is only half the fun! Trust and believe that I will keep things posted on my blog.
We had our first inital date today. A LUNCH date. Lunch, sneaky kiss, shopping, more kissing (but not the sneaky kind), ice cream, talking, and more kissing. It was much too soon to say goodbye. Since the ex had the kids, I felt that I should get home sooner than later... after all, it was close to dinner time. She suggested multiple plans for dates over the next week or so. It makes my heart skip a beat and creates a slight stutter in my gait. I am glad I can't define it or our interactions right now. With time, things will get clearer and as I wait, a greater appreciation for parenting, friendship, and intimacy develops.
I had a very good holiday. I thought about that today. How I didnt get upset. Didnt cry. Was in a good mood. And apparently was dressed very well, according to my ex. Yes, the ex. She is still around. As am I. We are playing the roles of supportive parents and helping with the kids. What I dont understand is why things are much better after the break as oppose to the six months before. What at all forced the change in behaviors and attitudes? I have no idea. It stays on my mind alot. Were things not important enough to keep trying, seek constant professional help, and get our own individual shit together? Was the stability of the future so uncertain that turning the other way was the only option? Or were the higher powers looking out for me and for her? I dont think I will ever understand. The break has forced me to make some decisions about my own personal previous behaviors... some decisions that will probably stress her more, but shes an adult. Hopefully, she will figure it out and be ok. Interesting is the only word I can use to describe things right now. We are still physical from time to time, but that may cease in the near future. Why? Cause I met someone that has potential to be the next significant one in my life.
Who is this lady- and that she is! A lady! She has the sweetest sounding voice, sweet dispositon, wonderful sense of humor, absolutely loves and adores children (used to be a kindergarten teacher), pretty skin and the most beautiful green eyes I have ever seen! She notices things like my dimples, asks the most random questions, and then doesnt remember she has asked me and asks again. She has a naughty side to her that comes out every now and then... and then she politely apologizes. "For what?" I ask and chuckle. Then I grin... and grin... and grin. Yes, she excites me. Yes, she makes me nervous. Yes, she causes some anxiety, but the good kind! Yes, she has asked personal questions, but was reciprocal in responding to the same question of herself. Yes, she asked of my wants, needs, and desire. No, I wasnt able to tell them all to her. Yes, she was guilty of the same. No, she doesnt cook, but to my advantage, she likes to eat just like me! She likes the water and to travel as well- just like me. As equally important--- she has a job just like mine! We both work in mental health! So, where is all this going? I have no freakin' clue or idea. I am ok with not knowing. Waiting is only half the fun! Trust and believe that I will keep things posted on my blog.
We had our first inital date today. A LUNCH date. Lunch, sneaky kiss, shopping, more kissing (but not the sneaky kind), ice cream, talking, and more kissing. It was much too soon to say goodbye. Since the ex had the kids, I felt that I should get home sooner than later... after all, it was close to dinner time. She suggested multiple plans for dates over the next week or so. It makes my heart skip a beat and creates a slight stutter in my gait. I am glad I can't define it or our interactions right now. With time, things will get clearer and as I wait, a greater appreciation for parenting, friendship, and intimacy develops.
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