Detour

I took the kids to see Elmo Makes Music tonight. The baby really enjoyed it. My daughter danced around and was more attentive during the show than she is in a movie. I had a really good time... more fun that my other daughter it seems. I remember some of the songs and boy, do those characters have rhythm and soul! :)

Im highly stressed over events for the weekend. It's times and situations like the last few weeks that lead me to the recurring thought of taking my daughter and moving far away and starting over with everything! Thankfully, my family has been very supportive of helping me get ready for the adoption celebration. My grandmother, in particular, has been very encouraging cause I have bitched to her about EVERYTHING! She says for me not to worry and not to feel a certain way, but I do. I saw my therapist today and she tried to help me put things in perspective while validating my feelings, emotions, and perceptions of things. I will be glad when everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, is over and done with.

I do see an out of state move in my future though... just not sure exactly when. I need to process with my therapist that particular reoccuring thought. I need a neutral being or someone that wont be greatly affected by my moving. Im also at the point of deleting an somewhat important person from my life. As I get my cards in order, I shuffle my stack, and pick from the top... one at a time. I havent hit the bottom with the person yet, but I am mighty damn close. Sigh.

Checking in

Spent the weekend with my best friend. It was a relaxing weekend overall. Got the slide show pretty much done. Saw my mother, who I swear is bipolar or some mood disorder! Of course, she would never admit it!

I'm mixed moods right now. Stressed from possible upcoming changes that I am not sure the easiest way to work them out. Depressed due to the state of my house right now and knowing that company is coming Friday night. Overwhelmed by work more often than not. Happy with the adoption. Excited about completing the remainder of the paperwork to change my daughters identity. Confused about feelings of possible relationship. Glad to be in touch again with two of my collegiate friends. Blessed to be alive. Still surprised that the adoption is permanent! :)

I continue to take it day by day.

Missing Sparkle?

I had an interesting conversation last week with a really good friend of mine. She told me that she missed seeing that sparkle in me. I had no clue what she was referring to. She defined it as the look/feel I have when I have plans that excite me, good news about the kids, a special date, someone interested in me, going to my favorite places, spending time with my favorite people... and then something goes wrong and it doesnt happen. Therefore, the bright excited feeling turns into something negative. She made note that she hadnt seen that sparkle in a while. Since the conversation, I think of that sparkle. Shes right. Its been gone since February at least.

Truthfully, I hadnt seen the sparkle in the extensive degree that it can illuminate. Yes, been dealing with some things and trying hard not to isolate. I don't hear from my friends as much as I would like, no matter how many text messages sent, voicemails left, and emails delivered. I guess as long as I don't say I am suicidal and continue to make some contact, they assume everything is ok. That isnt always the case. However, when I think about it, with all my friends and acquaintances, it's usually me that make the initial, steady contact. I stopped making initial contact around the time that one of my good friends blogged about the phone working both ways for her as well, and she had similar instances of being the one who always makes initial contacts. More recently, I stopped sending as many text/email messages cause many of them never get returned- and these are from people that do text and do have email access on a regular basis. Shit, if I am going to always be second place, I may as well be first with myself. I have found other ways to "entertain" myself and take care of me. To hell with those that dont reciprocate.

I went out this weekend... and for once, I felt that sparkle return. I actually looked in the mirror and totally loved what I saw reflected back at me. Makeup, contacts, hair in place just right. Yes, still losing weight. Yes, still wanting it back. (Still havent found outfit for adoption celebration.) Yes, still on insulin- steadily increasing it- and oral meds to help it and my depression. Still feeling isolated from friends and wanting to isolate to just be alone (with the theory that if I am alone, no one can hurt me or disappoint me with what they do or dont do as it relates to me). I have been on this recent kick of trying to take care of me... and unfortunately, some of my changing behaviors will affect others. Am I going to tell those that it affects? Nope. Let them figure it out. Unfortunately, I feel they wont even notice. Oh well. Back to the sparkle and Saturday night. I had a date that was someone impromptu and sudden. She was more nervous than me and a little hyper and straightforward. SHe was hilarious watching the nervousness express itself. I was excited. And when I laid eyes on her, I was REALLY excited. Yes, the sparkle is back. My hetero female friend, J, laughs at me. She says that some of the stuff I have told her would scare her away! I told her its different with two women... and it really is. Women are so emotional, so lesbians get a big kick out of a romantic poetic email... or a late night date... or KISSING on the first date, saying things that one wouldnt expect in the first week. I think the only thing that would scare me right now is the L-word. LOVE. Hell no. Too soon. Let me enjoy it for the moment, sparkle, appreciation, etc. I think the only strange thing is she wants to take me out for my birthday. She didnt even know me then. She said she wanted to do something special for me. I told her how Hawaii was my special thing, dinner with my little sis, T, and lunch with my best pal, L. That really is all the celebrating I did this year. Yep, totally different from years past. Am I surprised? Nope, not really. More broken promisesof this that and the other in the realm of gifts and celebrating. Its almost June now. Guess the older I get, I cant have my cake and eat it too!

I'm enjoying the sparkle that illuminated brightly Saturday night. Unfortunately, I don't know of anyone that would fully understand my feelings and excitement 100%... primarily because most of my friends are hetero and/or single and havent had a relationship they feel comfortable even trying to compare. So, they listen and try to calm my fears! L laughs at me but encourages me. I think she is the closest one that *maybe* can relate to my feelings right now. She misses that sparkle and even with her own shit going on, she cheers me on and tells me to have a drink and relax! Too bad I dont smoke on the regular! So, yes, still feeling myself despite some not so easy conversations with the Ms Nervous!

I'm hanging in! Taking care of me and the kids... and the animals. I get to spend some one on one with my best friends furbabies this Friday night. I'm looking forward to that as well! I think Saturday, I have another date with the new chick. Not sure yet.

Sparkle, sparkle. Yes, I feel good right now... and have for the last few days. :)

Update: Country Gurl doesnt understand why she doesnt hear from me as much anymore. Duh! Hey L, can I brand her instead of tatooing?

Not interested!

Dear Country Gurl,
I dont know how many other ways I can tell you that we arent compatible. I have told you numerous times, numerous ways and you still dont get it. Why do you continue to say you "will take it day by day and see what happens" when I have said there will never be anything more between us, when I have said I am NOT interested in you as strongly as you have been in me (and never have), when I have said I am moving on, etc. What dont you understand? What isnt clear to you? Hell, you didnt even know what friends with benefits was? You refer to things in life as "it", "stuff", "you know, it?" Hell, no I dont know and I am tired of trying to figure it out. I dont have to explain myself to you... but then again, why should I? I explained before and you didnt listen. Wanting to be with me for less substanial reasons doesnt sit well with me. You may feel that I am right/perfect for you, but in retrospect, you are TOTALLY wrong for me... not even close!

One friend said I should tatoo things on your forehead... send smoke signals... or hell, even a airplane manner like Geico (caveman included).

I'm done talking. I'm done explaining. I have moved on. I suggest you do the same. Best wishes on finding another gurl that "doesnt look like the type to cheat and doesnt like to go to the club." At this point, I am not even sure we could be friend. That's the truth of the matter. Honestly, as always!

Sincerely,
City Lady

Whew. I feel better now! ha ha ha

Welfare Worker

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched
straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing
welfare, I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his
Mercedes and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours,
meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and
you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom
apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.'

The guy, wide-eyed, said, 'You're bullshittin' me!'

The social worker said, 'Yeah, well... You started it.

Down but not totally depressed

My wallet was stolen yesterday. I have a good idea of who has it- a crackhead and his hoe! No joke. Although I have pretty much replaced everything, its a pain in the ass to have to wait for new credit cards, rushing to DMV to get new license cause reporting police office stressed that I COULD and WOULD get a ticket for driving without a license if stopped for any reason, opening a new checking account, having to go to the bank when you need cash cause NO ONE takes starter checks OR checks numbered under 500 anymore, dealing with automatic drafts that may NOT be able to be stopped in time and pray that I dont get fees since it wont go through the old account, and just a bunch of other shit that I am forced to do that I really wasnt in the mood or have the energy to face right now. It sucks! My friend J was a great listener last night. I didnt get down about the situation until I had the chance to sit down and really think about my day. I guess my adrenaline was rushing much of the afternoon and it sunk in once I sat still.

I think I just did the last piece of business! I wanted a new AAA card cause I dont want to give the jackass that has my information the ability to get help for a service I am paying for. So, AAA issued me a new card (cant get a new membership number) and put a password on it! Although the crackhead and his hoe dont have a car, you never know what they may try to do as passengers! Not on my dime!

Going to hang out with J and her daughter tonight. She has been a real lifesaver of a friend the last few weeks! Things seem to always go wrong at the end of the week and just by coincidence, we have had plans and she has been around to comfort and encourage! What a good friend she is! I have always admired her for her strenghs and sucess!

I am going to try hard to pull my head out of my ass over this. I guess I know what it was life for my best friend to have to go through this when she had her fire last Fall!

Frying chicken

Yeah, strange title, but this post is about frying chicken!

I hung out with JB last Friday. We went strawberry picking and out to dinner. While on that side of town, she asked me to stop at Smithfield Chicken and BBQ for some chicken batter. I was like "huh?" It didnt dawn on me that they probably had very good batter as their "rib sauce" (yes,thats what they call the red sauce for their BBQ and BBQ chix but doesnt sell ribs!) is really REALLY good! So, she got two boxes and I got one. I went to her house Saturday and her chix wings looked really good! So I fried wings last night and OMG! Some of the best wings I have ever had! They were the perfect golden brown fried color. Seasoned perfectly. I was so amazed! I noticed that House of Autry was on the box as a provider... so needless to say, when my batter is gone, I will try House of Autry next. It may have found a solution to seasoning flour!

I wish I had some wings unthawed! :)

Tired, more tired, and still TIRED

I dont know exactly whats going on, but I have been really tired lately. I have been sleeping on the couch starting early evening and not waking until the next morning when the alarm goes off. I havent slept like this in a very long time. The weird thing is, I am still tired and could sleep some more. I need someone to come in my house and take care of the kids for me to just sleep until I get enough sleep! Maybe then, I will get enough sleep! Hopeful, at least!

It seems that as my diabetes gets in check, the more tired I become. Makes no sense unless this is part of my body adjusting.

Oh to sleep uninterrupted!

Happy Mothers Day?

Well, its Mothers Day. The holiday I tend to dread the most is today. Not due to anything major but the ways of my birth mother. I guess the ironic twist is that my brother is pissed at her too! HILARIOUS. So, its been a week of my mom telling me what I MUST get her for Mothers Day and WHEN I MUST get it. Mind you, she was telling me to buy a digital camera. I lost mine last weekend and she DEMANDED that I buy her a new one before buying myself one. WTF? Mind you, I usually dont buy her a mothers day gift and if I do, its a plant! Not a digital camera! She's crazy. My brother is pissed for other reasons. And his girlfriend is pissed at her mom, which is rare! What is it with mothers on this Mothers Day!

I spent my day on the couch relaxing, and mainly sleeping. Spent some time with the kids. Just gave them dinner and suppose I should do hair tonight. Although, I may even do my work a little early in preparation to go to bed at a decent time tomorrow night.

I feel ok. Spent yesterday evening at a friends house playing her Wii! It was so much fun. Almost makes me want to go buy one, but I wouldnt play it-- as she reminded me that about my Ninetendo DS Lite that I rarely play. :)

I have tried to keep anxiety down. Been screening all calls. Not feeling like talking on the phone. Will need to talk to my Grandma at some point. Got two Mothers Day cards, one from my ex and one from my Grandmother. With it being my first OFFICIAL Mothers Day, I certainly expected more cards this year- even if e-card format. My Grandma always sends me one! Gotta love her.

And potential relationship... more like a no-go. Too many red/pink/checkered flags! Still processing and trying to figure things out.

Anger

I didnt know that anger could feel as bad as it feels for me right now. I am angry at so many things- people and situations. I am way beyond "pissed the fuck off", which is not normal for me. I deal with it the best I can, but yesterday's release was not a good indication of me moving on. However, I got some of the anger out and feel pain in areas as a reminder of what I did. I talked about it and had a friend play devil's advocate as she could see both sides of the situation.

Yes, I have made some progression- actually alot in may things involving my life. I deal. I try to heal. I definately move on... eventually.

Yeah, I want to call all kinds of names, but I know I dont mean many of them. The reality is true for at least one of them though!

I just wish I wasnt so angry. I wasnt this angry when the shit started. My anger has presented a level of fear in myself, almost to the point that I would rather be suicidal than feel what I feel right now. I guess I know what my next therapy session will be about.

I am just trying so hard not to hate. I dont like hate. But I have felt it with several people in my life in the past and I know I am capable of feeling it- strongly feeling it. I just dont want to feel it in this instance. Thankfully, I am not to that point yet.

As time moves on

Its been an interesting week. I had to get away this weekend. I went to one of my favorite hideaways- my best friends house. She helps me with the kids and gives me some "me time" as well. I dont know what I would do without her support! I guess thats why we have been friends 13 1/2 years!

Friday, I had dinner with Lady M. It was our first time meeting face to face, but we talk almost every day. She's a lot of fun. We talked about any and everything and I better understand her addiction (no, its not illegal! But for out of respect for her and privacy, I wont give details!). Its fascinating to hear about it, but I dont see how one recovers. She's doing really well! :) KID FREE!

Saturday, me and some of my best girl friends went to dinner, KID FREE once again. I had a few drinks and good food and MANY laughs! The group I was with always keeps me going. I treasure each of them with the best of life! One of them was my "lil sis" that I have known for about 16 years at least. The other person I met through my ex, but we I feel that we have a good friendship aside from the connection. We support each other best we can as single professional women and mothers. The other was my best friend. I respect each of the ladies with a deep respect that they probably arent aware that exists! LOL I dont know how we all keep it together, but we do!

Today, I just relaxed some and did little of nothing with the kids. I went to a new store, Trader Joes, and enjoyed it. I need to find the one in Cary or be prepared to do some shopping when I go to Carrboro. I am trying to shop more effectively and in a healthy manner. I have bought several reuseable bags to stop bringing home lots of plastic bags and with the recent diabetes issues, been checking carbs and trying to eat a little healthier.

As for relationship... Im still trying to figure that out. I have someone that is really interested in me, but so many variables have surfaced. Im determined to take my time with this one... and am somewhat ok if it doesnt work out. Either way, there are other ways of fun and pleasure!

The kids are doing ok. I have issues with one, and the adopted one is doing GREAT! J-man is just as happy as ever!

Overall, I feel better emotionally and physically. I plan to have an excellent week at work and allow time to move on.