Valentine's Blah

So, the big red and pink day is around the corner. A day of kisses and hugging and PDA (public and private!). I used to really love Valentines. Now, its hit or miss. I havent had a decent Valentine's in a while. I havent had a totally happy one in about 6 years. Approximately six years ago, my girlfriend at the time committed suicide. Blew her brains out. On Valentines Day. She lived in South Carolina, so we werent even in the same state. I was suppose to have been at her place for Valentines, but we got into an arguement the day before (I think she accused me of cheating and anyone that knows me knows I dont cheat!) that lingered into the night. She kept yelling, screaming, and cursing at me so I stopped answering the phone when she called. She called three times after I told her I wasnt going to listen to the abuse and clearly she didnt trust me. Each time she called, I checked the phone for a voicemail icon. There was none. I went to bed about 10:30 that night knowing that I had to get out of the situation. She already knew where I lived and yes, I was a little scared that night. I prayed that God would give me the wisdom and safety to remove myself from her. I also felt that on that same night, I was going to lose her as so much had been going on. The phone rang that Saturday morning... her best friend called. I knew exactly what the phone call was for before she said a word. I asked her specific questions about where she did it, how she did it, and even the position she was sitting. I was correct on all counts. She left a note. Yes, my name was in the note. Probably had my phone number for someone to call me. Either way, I am glad I wasnt there. It has snowed and iced at that time- which I think that was God's way of protecting me as I had to stay home instead of taking the drive to South Carolina.

About a week later, I was driving to Charlotte for work. My cell phone goes off about having a voicemail. I didnt understand why as I had not been in a dead zone at all. I checked my voicemail. I had 10 messages from the week before... the last three being her calling me. The last voicemail was her telling me that if I didnt call her back, she was going to blow her brains out. On Valentines Day. I remember driving and having to pull over and just cry and scream. That's where the guilt began. Why didnt I answer the phone? Why didnt I call to check on her? Why didnt I head down there as planned earlier that day? Why did I ever get involved with her? Why was there always something going on?

We werent together long, but long enough for me to feel the guilt associated with it all. I know I wasnt responsible for what happenned... but it happenned... and maybe if I had answered the phone she wouldnt have killed herself... and maybe I wouldnt despise Valentine's so much.

I still feel "responsible" for what happenned. All this time later.

My girlfriend and I are celebrating Valentines- she gave me the option of not celebrating. I thought it wouldnt be fair to her to miss it. I also felt that I needed to celebrate for the fun, for the true meaning it means this year for Lois and I, and just to not let this situation hold me back from the good things to come.

We are celebrating Valentines with the kids tonight since we have plans tomorrow night. I'm just not sure I feel up to that either. I just want to occupy my mind with other things that require no thought but that can hinder the thoughts of Valentines that particular year.

I'm very sad. Tearful at times. Guilt all the time when I think of it. I just hate it wasnt so.