Whatchamacallit

Don't have a real title for this one. If I could put this particular post in one word, it would be 'sad'. However, I am rarely one of few works, so one word would be ridiculous!

I have been having a tough time emotionally, but in a different kind of way. I have, according to my psychiatrist, new depressive symptoms. So, depression is what it is, and with more 'new and improved'symptoms comes another medication. It may be short term to help me deal with tough stuff at therapy, concerns at home, and ultimate stress at work. It's a very low dose- actually the minimal therapeutic dose. I have felt like bitching about things that usually wouldnt upset me. I have been isolating to not deal with home and work. I have been more outspoken about stupid shit and how I am treated by friends. Its been a will against will battle, some good, but I tend to always think 'Damn if I do. Damn if I dont". I just dont know. I do know I feel teary inside... and simple things set off that feeling. I do know that I feel that I dont exist in this life- I want to feel like I am not only existing, but living... like those people at the end of the depression commercials? (Side note: why does it seem like someone at the end of the commercial is always riding a bike!? Is that what I need? A bike? Is that a requirement for recovery?)

So I keep pushing. I feel like I cant open up to anyone about it- not even my girlfriend. I did call my best friend after my appointment and talked with her briefly about how I was feeling and the new medication. So much is going on in my head- perhaps thats why I have had a headache for much of the past week.

To brighter notes- played Bingo last night. Didnt win. Played last Thursday too. Didnt win. Going next Thursday as well. Details then!