The Courage to Heal

Went to therapy today and began the painful process of untangling the disturbing web of my past. I was late- and not sure if it was purposeful or not since I didnt have enough time to say everything I was thinking to say... but not even sure I wanted to let it all out right now. Either way, I was there and opened the door to handle the demon of the past. It affects my relationship. It affects my parenting. It affects my life in so many ways. I just have to take the "recovery" step by step. Today was step one- acknowledging my past and the part I played in some of it, the uncertainty of parts of it and the fears of the rest of it... I just dont know where to start. I suppose purchasing the well-known book The Courage to Heal was the first step.

Its been a very emotionally draining day. Just draining all the way around.

Check-in or Check-out?

I dont know how to classify what I feel right now. I have a great deal of personal stuff going on inside. I cant seem to make sense of it all, but mainly because my feelings dont make sense. Its affecting me and my relationship- but only in a negative way in my eyes. My Love tries to assure me that everything will be ok, but I'm not so sure. I have that doubt, but I also know that doubt is part of the past and whats troubling me most. I see my therapist in a week or two and I will try to talk to her about it. Its a double sided sword for me: one side is unfortunate as it will force me to have to publicly deal with a lot of my past- the painful, illegal, inappropriate, fearful, abusive past... and the second side knowing what relief I will feel once I work through it all. I know its going to take some time. I know I am always going to be a work in progress. I know I can get through it with time, wine, and a box of Kleenex. Thankfully, its so far in the past that the legal authorities wont be involved... and that one of the other people/victims are now dead. So much to deal with and come face to face with publicly. So much to deal with in a safe space to where I think I can open up without judgement put against me.

Shit stinks. And right now, my past is like the damn landfill. Unfortunately, you can control what goes in a landfill but I am not so sure I can control some of my other emotions and feelings and desire to act out!

I will have to check in with my inner child/self difficult past. However, it will force me to check out of the hell that consumes me as it relates. For once, I would rather have an earlier check-out than an later check-in.

I know its going to be hard. I will have to accept that.