Rambling, once again

Things have been kinda ok here lately. I was put on a new anti-depressant in conjunction with my other one. It must be working because I have been getting up earlier and staying up and actually being productive at work. I havent been as distant, but I have noticed my anxiety increase yesterday. Im going to keep a check on my feeling of anxiety and see if it continues or if yesterday was just a coincidental feeling. I know I am extra tired at night but that may be due to me being up much earlier.

I had therapy yesterday. We talked about my feelings and what my psychiatrist said last meeting (it has been very beneficial to have my psychiatrist and therapist in the same office!).

We talked about my current cycle of depression and what more than likely triggered it and hope the new anti-depressant will help me work through things much easier. I feel optimistic about that.

Then, the conversation took a turn. She asked me about my friendships and family. She mentioned I hadnt talked about some of my "support" in quite some time. So we talked about several different people and how relationships were changing, how one friend thought I might have "outgrown" her, the possible slow dissolving of another, one who thinks we have a friendship but I see it much differently, and then those I see every now and then and its like old times. Part of the conversation was tough because I had to verbalize the reality of things. As for family, I went through each one but spent most of the time on my Grandma. Grandma is my life. My entire family is important to me, but Grandma I talk to almost every day!

We went back to my feelings about other things and I told her about recent conversations that I didnt know how to respond to as well as a conversation that I was just "rambling" and the other person got very upset- which I didnt understand. I went back to the friend that felt I had "outgrown" her and it made me think- is that possible?? I know my best friend had stated in the past that she had "outgrown" her old college roomate who also used to be her best friend. The three of us used to hang out alot. Lots of fun times. I feel that I dont "outgrow" anyone. Either you are in my life or you arent. We may not talk as frequently, but that doesnt mean I have "outgrown" you. Hell, I have 3 kids (4 if you count my partners kid), work full time, and my own appointments to deal with. I do better with email, but everyone knows my cell number and everyone knows I keep it with me at all times. So, I dont really think I "outgrow" people. I think that people change and evolve into their own being and thats what life is about- change.

Overall, it was a good session. Totally different from what I was expecting.

(Oh, didnt win at Bingo last night either! Maybe next week!)

Whatchamacallit

Don't have a real title for this one. If I could put this particular post in one word, it would be 'sad'. However, I am rarely one of few works, so one word would be ridiculous!

I have been having a tough time emotionally, but in a different kind of way. I have, according to my psychiatrist, new depressive symptoms. So, depression is what it is, and with more 'new and improved'symptoms comes another medication. It may be short term to help me deal with tough stuff at therapy, concerns at home, and ultimate stress at work. It's a very low dose- actually the minimal therapeutic dose. I have felt like bitching about things that usually wouldnt upset me. I have been isolating to not deal with home and work. I have been more outspoken about stupid shit and how I am treated by friends. Its been a will against will battle, some good, but I tend to always think 'Damn if I do. Damn if I dont". I just dont know. I do know I feel teary inside... and simple things set off that feeling. I do know that I feel that I dont exist in this life- I want to feel like I am not only existing, but living... like those people at the end of the depression commercials? (Side note: why does it seem like someone at the end of the commercial is always riding a bike!? Is that what I need? A bike? Is that a requirement for recovery?)

So I keep pushing. I feel like I cant open up to anyone about it- not even my girlfriend. I did call my best friend after my appointment and talked with her briefly about how I was feeling and the new medication. So much is going on in my head- perhaps thats why I have had a headache for much of the past week.

To brighter notes- played Bingo last night. Didnt win. Played last Thursday too. Didnt win. Going next Thursday as well. Details then!

Moving on

Been dealing with some things internally in my head and heart. Havent really talked about them much. Turning one year older wasnt a big deal. However, dealing with the reality of my life and emotions, my life in general is a big deal. I tend to try to put things in perspective. Just as I told a close friend of mine today: I cant get it all done in one day. Do what matters most and to hell with the rest of it until tomorrow. So what if the stuff left for tomorrow sees multiple 'tomorrows'.

Life just is. I cant continue to worry about things I cant change. Situations. People. Finances. Any of it.

Nothing new in my life. Lois and I are thinking about getting a third car- primarily for her to drive once hers dies. We are working to see how much it will cost us to fix it and how much of a car payment we can afford.

We found a decent house, but we agree that we arent ready to live together and wont be for a few years. Granted we run between two households now. It works for us and thats important to us. Relationships are a constant work in progress. I just continue to take my time and embrace the memories, laughs, mixed times.

My inlaws are fabulous! Lois's mom gets along great with the kids and is always looking forward to spending time with them too. So special. Her birthday is soon so we are taking a trip to the state aquarium san two children! Should be fun!

Okay! Gotta go cheer for my Tarheels!

Happy [Belated] Birthday to me

Yep, had another birthday on Wednesday. It was a pretty decent day. I didnt work. I went to therapy. I did some minor shopping to attempt to spend gift cards I had received at my birthday cookout. I grabbed lunch. I slept. I met my mom to get my gifts. I had dinner with my girlfriend and her family. Not too bad of a day.

I started the celebration Saturday with my girlfriend. She arranged a hotel room and going to dinner and shopping. I think I blogged about Valentines this year, so to spare you the details, she did the same thing for my birthday that I did for her at Valentines: nightgown, candles, chocolate, alcohol, card, etc. The only difference was that we had to move in the middle of the night due to ticks (which at the time we were told they were 'bed bugs').

There was a cookout for me Sunday. My closest friends werent initially invited. That was upsetting but I got over it. I dont know why they werent thought to be invited- people I talk to on a regular basis, interact with more than others, been friends with for years. Not sure how much thought was put into the guest list at all. Once I found out that my best friend and really good friends werent invited, I sent messages to inform them of it and to apologize for the late notice. I was embarassed, but I would have liked for them to have been there. I had three other good friends there- one which helped plan it (Cat Lover), one that I thought knew about it and found out she wasnt invited initially but she had enough notice to plan to be there (Crazy Lady), and then my longest knowing friend who didnt have anything to do and was honored to celebrate with me (Lil Sis!). The other people that were invited initially didnt make it for various reasons. I ended up drinking more than I should have on an empty stomach, but had a good time. The food was great. The company was great. Some disappointments but not enough to spoil the event. I guess Im getting too old for birthday celebrations anyway! This time last year, I was in Hawaii and loving it up for my birthday!

I didnt get a slice of my favorite cake for my birthday. Restaurant was out of it. Maybe today! Yummy!

My girlfriend cooked something different for me on my actual birthday. It was really good! I didnt realize there were leftovers so hope to get another round of that fun at some point.

Overall, birthday wasnt too big of a bummer. Could have been better, but hey, we all know... grown folks do what grown folks want to do. I am only responsible for myself.

Once again, Happy [Belated] Birthday to meeeeeee! :)